VB.NET Jokes
| Why Dogs Are Better Than Women | |
|
-Dogs don't cry. -Dogs love it when your friends come over. -Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo. -Dogs think you sing great. -A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink. -Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late. -The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you -Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs. -Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name. -Dogs are excited by rough play. -Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away. -Dogs understand that farts are funny. -Dogs love red meat. -Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair. -Anyone can get a good-looking dog. -If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it. -Dogs don't shop. -Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor. -A dog's disposition stays the same all month long. -Dogs never need to examine the relationship. -A dog's parents never visit. -Dogs love long car trips. -Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions. -Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted. -When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot -it. -Dogs like beer. -Dogs don't hate their bodies. -No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album. -No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood. -Dogs never criticize. -Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across -Dogs never expect gifts. -It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house. -Dogs don't worry about germs. -Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had. -Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer. -Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives. -Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster -one. -You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.. -Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry. -Dogs don't borrow your shirts. -Dogs never want foot-rubs. -Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public. -Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk. -Dogs can't talk. -Dogs aren't catty. -Dogs seldom outlive you. HOW DOGS AND WOMEN ARE ALIKE - -Both look stupid in hats. -Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting. -Both tend to have "hip" problems. -Neither understand football. -Both look good in a fur coat. -Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you say. -Neither believe that silence is golden. -Both constantly want back rubs. -Neither can balance a checkbook. -You can never tell what either of them is thinking. -Both put too much value on kissing. - HOW WOMEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS - -It is socially acceptable to have sexual relations with a woman. -Women look good in sweaters. -Women leave the room to fart. WOMEN STRIKE BACK 1. What is the thinnest book in the world? What Men Know About Women 2. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One...men will screw anything. 3. How does a man take a bubble bath? He eats beans for dinner. 4. Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up? Because they don't have balls to scratch. 5. What's a man's idea of foreplay? A half hour of begging. 6. How can you tell if a man is sexually excited? He's breathing. 7. How can you tell if a man is happy? Who cares? 8. What's the difference between men and government bonds? Government bonds mature. 9. How do you save a man from drowning? Take your foot off of his head. 10. What do men and beer bottles have in common? They are both empty from the neck up. 11. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know, it's never been done. 12. How are men and parking spots alike? The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left are handicapped. 13. What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home. 14. What's a man's idea of a seven course meal? A hot dog and a six-pack of beer. 15. What's a man's idea of helping you with the housework? Picking up his feet so you can vacuum. 16. What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted. 17. What's the difference between a man and a catfish? One is a bottom-feeding, scum-sucker, and the other is a fish! 18. What did God say after creating man? I can do better. 19. What do you have when you have two balls in your hand? A man's undivided attention. 20. What are the two reasons why men don't mind their business? 1. No mind. 2. No business. 21. Why did God create man? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn. 22. Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover? He knows firsthand the penalty for early withdrawel. 23. Why are men like laxatives? They both irritate the shit out of you. 24. If a man got pregnant... Abortion would be available in convenient stores and drive-thru windows. 25. Why do men name their penises? They want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all of their decisions. 26. Why is it so hard for women to find a man who is sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because they already have boyfriends. 27. Did you hear about the man who won a gold medal at The Olympics? He had it bronzed. 28. Why do men like masturbation? It's sex with someone they love. 29. Why were men given larger brains than dogs? So they don't hump women's legs at cocktail parties. 30. What is gross stupidity? 144 men in the same room. 31. What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette? The porcupine has pricks on the outside. 32. How many men does it take to pop popcorn? Three: One to hold the pan, and two others to show off and shake the stove. 33. What is a man's view of safe sex? A padded headboard. 34. How do men sort their laundry? "Filthy" and "Filthy But Wearable." |